“A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.”
On some days, all I wanna do is run away. Far far away.
Days like these are getting more frequent.
Healing, I’ve learnt, is never about time but about your will.
I’ve once thought it was impossible to heal in this lifetime. That was in the past. Fast forward 2.5 months and I am healed, I think.
I’ve liken the episode to a miscarriage before and I will still use the same analogy. I assume that as much as the mother wants to see her unborn child, she would avoid it. I feel the same. I don’t think emotional regressing or going in retrospect in this instance would be of much help because nothing can be done. Absolutely nothing.
However, one thing that will catch her by the throat will the the last trace of the unborn which she didn’t remember leaving. It takes you by surprise and fills you with the adrenaline aroused by the shock. The body goes into fight or flight mode – to keep that last bit of memory or to brutally remove all traces. To brutally remove all traces would be the wise move. The only thing that she might keep would be a picture. To somehow remind her that she unborn once existed. That she wasn’t dreaming it up in her mind. To keep with her till her death day. For someone, who has known her for a lifetime, to share this little unknown nugget of information about her that no one knows.
Perhaps, one day, the story will be shared. It could also be swept under a carpet. Either way, the analogy stays.
Time, so fleeting, yet, it holds so much.
Over a week now, yet, I feel nothing much has changed. Of course, throughout the course of the week, emotions played me like a casanova plays women. The ups and downs of the ride are like the ebb and flow of the waves. I can’t help being melodramatic and liken the situation to all forms of poetic representation. It is beyond that. It’s a dissonance of holding on and letting go. An oxy moron, if I may.
Perhaps this is the time to find out who I am, what I want, set goals to achieve and be the person that I want to be, not what everyone expects of me. Truth be told, all I want is to be free to do what I want, when I want and how I want. No more being a bridled soul, restricted by resources and people.
Nothing, absolutely nothing in this world could have prepared me for this lesson. It is a bitter, painful lesson that swiped the air out of my guts. It didn’t leave me reeling in pain. The blow hurt so bad that the pain is nothing compared to the emotional turmoil.
No amount of apologies can turn back time. With faith and hope, I urge for repentance to create second chances. What is freedom when there is no freedom for mistakes to be made?
I never used to think that everything in life had a life cycle. Nope. I only thought that products had life cycles. Of course, how long the cycle lasts, its level of success and how it degradates is entirely dependent on its marketeers and business team.
Now, it has dawned upon me that everything in life, has its own life cycle. Whether long or short, its part nature, part action, part reaction and part acceptance. Whether it is a product, an idea, a relationship, a business, an education journey, it follows the cycle. I wouldn’t call it a vicious one, because, every of such cycle is a beautiful one. It is oftentimes the people in it that are ugly.
A product can be rejuvenated, multiple times over through loyalty, creativity and renewed uses. Nostalgia is also key.
Likewise for ideas, relationships, businesses and pretty much every other thing out there. It only lasts as long as you want it to. There are so many things you can do to prolong the cycle. But sometimes prolonging isn’t always the best solution. An extended life cycle and be prolonged, but it will be declining. To prolong the cycle would mean to cruelly prolong the loss. Wrong remedy steps taken could further exacerbate the decline, causing more destruction instead of salvation.
I see so many different examples in my life. Sometimes, I get such a strong urge to share with them this analogy of mine, but I held myself back. Why? Truth is, we all are in the cycle, but we refuse to step back to see the big picture simply because we are afraid of the reality we see in front of us. To know that sometimes, things are what they are because of our own mishandling. Many of us are unable to face this reality because of pride.
Ultimately, the end comes and regret festers.
Two simple word. One big dissonance. No, scratch that. One earth-shattering dissonance should just about sum it up.
Still reasoning, finding the ever elusive equilibrium.
No decisions shall be made. Life should be lived, not planned.
There are too many thoughts in my mind. Many of them incongruent to the other, conflicting, resulting in dissonance.
The thoughts span such a wide spectrum, even I don’t know where to begin, much less start to sort out my thoughts. They come in bursts of reminder from all the facets of life. Often times, it asks about my goals. Sometimes about my achievements. Occasionally it seeks my true feelings.
Other times, it is contented.
I don’t know what to make of this hodgepodge of emotion that is bombarding me everyday.
Do you know its worth?
A grain of rice, so minute an existence, yet how powerful it is.
I’ve always envied the kids of farmers. They get to experience things that most would not have. They learn about bearing the fruits of their labour, literally, and probably figuratively. That is one thing I yearn for the most, to be able to understand it from that perspective, and to feel the satisfaction and achievement it brings.
I’ve been pondering for some time, and realized, that certain things have been lacking in me. I wouldn’t nail it as determination. I have determination, it is just how how I express it, or what is worthy of it.
Everything comes easy. Too easily, in fact.
For that, I abhor my upbringing, but yet, need it all the same. Its a love/hate relationship. Just like everything else in my life. It’s all love/hate.
