Over a week now, yet, I feel nothing much has changed. Of course, throughout the course of the week, emotions played me like a casanova plays women. The ups and downs of the ride are like the ebb and flow of the waves. I can’t help being melodramatic and liken the situation to all forms of poetic representation. It is beyond that. It’s a dissonance of holding on and letting go. An oxy moron, if I may.

Perhaps this is the time to find out who I am, what I want, set goals to achieve and be the person that I want to be, not what everyone expects of me. Truth be told, all I want is to be free to do what I want, when I want and how I want. No more being a bridled soul, restricted by resources and people.

No amount of apologies can turn back time. With faith and hope, I urge for repentance to create second chances. What is freedom when there is no freedom for mistakes to be made?

Now, it has dawned upon me that everything in life, has its own life cycle. Whether long or short, its part nature, part action, part reaction and part acceptance. Whether it is a product, an idea, a relationship, a business, an education journey, it follows the cycle. I wouldn’t call it a vicious one, because, every of such cycle is a beautiful one. It is oftentimes the people in it that are ugly.

A product can be rejuvenated, multiple times over through loyalty, creativity and renewed uses. Nostalgia is also key.

Likewise for ideas, relationships, businesses and pretty much every other thing out there. It only lasts as long as you want it to. There are so many things you can do to prolong the cycle. But sometimes prolonging isn’t always the best solution. An extended life cycle and be prolonged, but it will be declining. To prolong the cycle would mean to cruelly prolong the loss. Wrong remedy steps taken could further exacerbate the decline, causing more destruction instead of salvation.

I see so many different examples in my life. Sometimes, I get such a strong urge to share with them this analogy of mine, but I held myself back. Why? Truth is, we all are in the cycle, but we refuse to step back to see the big picture simply because we are afraid of the reality we see in front of us. To know that sometimes, things are what they are because of our own mishandling. Many of us are unable to face this reality because of pride.

Ultimately, the end comes and regret festers.

Still reasoning, finding the ever elusive equilibrium.

No decisions shall be made. Life should be lived, not planned.

The thoughts span such a wide spectrum, even I don’t know where to begin, much less start to sort out my thoughts. They come in bursts of reminder from all the facets of life. Often times, it asks about my goals. Sometimes about my achievements. Occasionally it seeks my true feelings.
Other times, it is contented.

I don’t know what to make of this hodgepodge of emotion that is bombarding me everyday.

A grain of rice, so minute an existence, yet how powerful it is.

I’ve always envied the kids of farmers. They get to experience things that most would not have. They learn about bearing the fruits of their labour, literally, and probably figuratively. That is one thing I yearn for the most, to be able to understand it from that perspective, and to feel the satisfaction and achievement it brings.

I’ve been pondering for some time, and realized, that certain things have been lacking in me.  I wouldn’t nail it as determination. I have determination, it is just how how I express it, or what is worthy of it.

Everything comes easy. Too easily, in fact.

For that, I abhor my upbringing, but yet, need it all the same. Its a love/hate relationship. Just like everything else in my life. It’s all love/hate.

It wasn’t only until recent months that I realized what I have previously experienced was just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more of where those sodium laced droplets came from. The cause of their appearance also now span a wider horizon that I couldn’t have imagined existed.

I don’t know if I want these to be curbed or if I would like my glands to be as active as they are now. Somedays I look upon it as my personal weakness. Somedays it is my representation of strength. On other days, I view it as my form of catharsis and it definitely has helped in more ways than one.

Maybe someday, I’ll be able to say that I no longer reply on such physical expression of emotions, but for now, I can live with it. and happily at that.

Its rather amazing how life is. Fast forward four years and here I am, with someone 5 years older. I used to think people so much older are OLD and that we would never be able to click because we are in different stratospheres. Obviously I grew up and matured. People, are truly homogeneous. We assume all “adults” to be like our parents without grasping the fact that, they only act the way they do because they need to assert some authority over us. Put them together with people our age completely unrelated to us and they behave differently.

I’ve learnt so much this year – about people, about myself, about life, about dreams and reality. Everything in life has changed this year. How I am feeling about my reality now is a complete overhaul from how I am used to living my life. As they say, change is constant.

I guess I’m cautious about all the disappointments that could come with the amazing time that I am having now. No one should ever be complacent. Everything that I have right now could just be gone in an instant.

I’ve long acknowledged that I have been known to worship things that are not worthy (AC, material items, money, people and the likes). As I grow in life, I realize, do these things really make ME? Or are they just a passing part of me. Do I really need these to validate me as a person or am I stronger than that?

Slowly, but surely, I’m becoming more secure in myself. I have learned how to stand for what I believe in, what I choose to believe in. Of course, there are times when I slipped up. I’m only human. But its those times, where I catch myself falling into sin, and remind myself to stay true to what I believe in.

Some may find me naive, always taking things at face value. But I’d like to ask them this, why make life so complicated and weave double meaning into your words when you can say it as it is?